Lions and Tigers and Bears

Thus fortified, we believe you are ready for a discussion of some of the other perils of the Northwest Woods. We believe that fears anticipated are fears prepared for, and we always prefer a Thorough Rehearsal of any Potentially Difficult Moments, as suggested in the illustration above.

Contrary to this chapter’s title, however, you do not have to fruzzle yourselves about Lions and Tigers and Bears in our particular Northwest Woods. We rather wish we did, actually, since we do wonder what has become of all of them, and worry our presence has discouraged theirs.

Thankfully, there are dangers enough nonetheless (of a tamer sort, most agreeably) and we would like you to be prepared as you wend your way through the Northwest Woods.

First of all, we highly recommend that you Take Note. Many people, on their daily constitutional, plow along the path with all the sensitivity of a large, yellow bulldozer.



As it happens, we are particularly partial to large, yellow bulldozers, as beautifully demonstrated in the painting by our wonderful friend, Mary Stroeing, of our son as a young boy.



Nonetheless, bulldozers of any description, no matter how fetching, are not welcome in the Northwest Woods. We urge you, instead, to make yourself invisible when you are in the Northwest Woods. This, you might believe, is hindered by the fact that you can see yourself, and your Beloved Dog, but in the forest your Beloved Dog is invisible, and so should you be.

To that end, may we recommend drinking Peach Blossom White Tea from China's Fujian province, which in our experience is a brew so subtle you will progressively evanesce with each sip, and slender sorts may well vanish altogether before finishing the first cup.

If you do not happen to have that particular phantasmal tea on hand, to be invisible only requires that you move very quietly, and slowly, and carefully, noting every detail your tender mind can wrap itself around. Pay particular attention to the things you never otherwise notice. In so doing, we are certain that you will discover all the guidance you require as you proceed, for the Northwest Woods and other forests are the most generous of hosts and happy to supply you with every wish and need.

For instance, you may come to certain junctures in the Northwest Woods in which decisions about which way to proceed are at stake. The forest can help you. We, for instance, could not choose between taking the “S” path or the “R” path, but fortunately discovered this little fellow clearly pointing the way, and he was quite right: it was the perfect path.



Now, had we been in our usual bulldozer mode we may well have failed to have taken note of such a random bit of bark [Madrone, as it turns out, which is inclined anyhow to peel in such satisfying shapes, revealing underneath a lovely lime-yellow-green trunk (dare we say chartreuse?) so smooth and radiant that we have found ourselves very much wishing to be that color. Or at least one of us has.].



(Editors Note: We hastily retract any subsequent disparaging remarks about the color chartreuse, and wish to attribute such comments to Willful Indulgence in Contradicting Oneself, fully subscribing to Oscar Wilde's assertion that, "The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves." We would like to believe that we are thus, arguably, in possession of said wisdom, but at least one of us knows better.)

At other moments, one might be proceeding blithely on and encounter something like the figure below, who very much seems to suggest surprise and a thoughtful caution about continuing.



We did, in fact, reconsider our route, and felt much the safer.

Or, the forest might present to you a figure such as the following one, who clearly appeared to communicate a plaintive alarm, although we chose to ignore it (with good results) since it struck as unnecessarily over-anxious.



Similarly, the figure below, who manages to suggest caution without necessarily urging that any plans for proceeding be changed.



In sum, to those who will be attentive, the Northwest Woods can offer every bit as much in the way of reassurance and redirection (and quite a bit is necessary in our case, for we are geographically-challenged in both our two- and four-legged incarnations, contrary, with regard to the latter, to canine lore) as it does chills and thrills.

Addendum: Were you to need to reverse your condition of invisibility, may we recommend a strong cup of Lapsang Souchong (also from the Fujian province, by delightful coincidence), which is itself capable not only of restoring you to robust corporeal condition but will put hair on your chest. Although we personally enjoy it, we have heard it described as only "generally palatable," which is as tentative an endorsement as one is likely to get from a substance that the FDA has not already banned.